growing up

    the flickering light in your dead great-grandma's closet. jesus on a cross, ceramic rib bleeding. he's too high up on the wall to reach. knees scraped from the pool. your dad's wet t-shirt. reading in the grass, your blue dress splayed around you. a dog lying belly-up. pistachio ice cream. scribbling in a notebook. lighting a match, hands shaking. mary's womb. bleating goats. bleeding gums. frogs in the backyard. a dent in your pink bedroom wall from a thrown folding chair. a text message. an accident. bare feet kicking the kitchen island. a cat scratch from calf to thigh. a spring snapping. a sore throat. the playroom at church. a basketball to the head. clawing and screaming. vomit against fur. show me. here, in the stall.

    an overdue library book. weeping in the back of the car. scissors broken in half. first of many. euthanasia. walking to the convenience store. loud cars on the highway. you should go home. holding hands as a joke. curly blonde hair. she doesn't let go. a birthday present wrapped with tinfoil. passing notes. a campfire crackling. your friend's apartment window. a creaking bed frame. falling on your bike. getting up without making a noise. a fly trap hanging from the ceiling. musty garage smell. the birds chirping when you’ve stayed up too late. a shitty golf swing. the rotting wood on the deck. sleeping on the phone.

    sucking his ring finger into your mouth, down to the knuckle. watching the same movie every day for a week. listening to the same dozen songs. a missed connection. a poem. jesus and judas. throwing up in the public bathroom. pushing your forehead against the cool shower tile until the bone is sore. doing the dishes. someone’s outdoor furniture that you will never sit at again. the space his voice takes up. the void it leaves when he's gone. a closed door. trees above the road. houses on a hill. a city you want to live in. a life you imagine. cigarette butts in a plastic bottle. looking at yourself in the mirror. keeping the drawer closed. fingernails digging into skin. sharp pain. peach juice dripping down your arm. wandering eyes. grazing fingertips. never telling a soul. wishing until death.